A Funny Overview of Russian Men


We have made  a set of the most recognizable characters around us.

A young father type can live a steady life of an office-manager or photographer, but when risky sex comes to his life – everything changes…
With a dry milk spot on his shoulder, he doesn’t understand  what strange smell follows him all day long.
He knows all places on the Internet where he can order “best Japanese diapers” and knows how to tall them from the common ones.

There is a pacifier or a rattle in his pocket, but usually both of them.
He drinks much at friends, and keeping away from beer at home just in sympathy with his close ones. When the fun is at its peak, he remembers his promise to bathe the baby and quickly leaves.
He has a picture on the phone: “we are 20 min. old here” and picture like “I am cutting the umbilical cord here”. He took the picture with his left hand. He shows this picture to everybody who fails to escape in time.
He is slim as usually he eats what’s left on the baby’s plate.
When shopping, his keeps his eyes are closed and he is rocking the shopping-cart out of habit.
He has cuts on the face as he falls asleep several times when shaving.
Women like him but he does not know what to do about it.
He has his own opinion about breast feeding.
He has a creasy condom with expired date but does not throw it away in the hope to use it some day.
He bought a radio-controlled plane for the daughter in advance. He is dreaming to try it with friends when he comes home.
There are creases on the shirt cuffs as he has not mastered the ironing technique yet, but he is always ready to talk about it.
He can achieve orgasm quickly not to wake up the baby and his wife.
There are spots on the trousers from washing with stain remover.
He says “we have pooped” we have fallen ill” or “we have fallen ill and  we have pooped in a strange way”.



It does not mean that he is intellectual, but there are a lot of guys of this kind.
He is bold, though he is 20. He wears square glasses not to be confused with criminals.
He smokes “Zhitan” and self-made cigarettes. He respects vodka, whisky, coffee.
He thinks that all people are bogans.
He likes the free stuff and is proud of it. He eats mainly at promo-parties.
He is dressed in Corduroy pants and suede coat. The scarf and training shoes are made by Holland and young Japanese designers. He likes the vintage style. The bag has a DDR sign.
There are some things in his house. He does not know what he needs them for.
He never watches TV, despises sport and dancing. He broadens his view with pleasure.
He is always one hour late.
He can curse skillfully, mostly in literary or musical circles. He likes the prefix “post”.
He says: “in this country”.
He knows languages well, mostly those which people around don’t know. He dreams to leave “this country” and to write a book.
He knows a small restaurant in any city of the world where he needs to order some dish. It is cooked only there.
Any disc with sold over 200 copies is  a trash for him. He can admire Britney Spears but has no idea who Enrique Iglesias is.
He knows how to put up Arabs with Hebrews, but he does not know what to do about the drunk neighbor shouting at the staircase.
He celebrated the New Year alone with a case of whiskey.
He posts in livejournal 8 times a day. He is a journalist, a creative person, a musical critic. He works on Apple.
His wife is not a hot woman, but a smart one and is older than he.
A fragile self structure causes his strange phobia. He is afraid to eat cheese in the cinema.



He puts on tight clothes everywhere he goes to show his muscles.
He drinks green tea or water, but without gas in it! This is important!
He looks at the dumplings with horror when he goes to visit somebody.
He has an apple in one hand and expander in another.
He tries not to use elevator if possible.
When he chooses the car, he thinks where he will put skis and boat.
He has a steam cooker.
The worst day in his life is when the condom burst. It’s great he was alone then.
He hates the maid, who threw away the grown seeds of soya beans.
He carries pacecounter and calls it pedometer.
He has not drunk for 20 years because he argued with his childhood friend that he would never do it. He sleeps with his eyes open but with his hat on.
He secretly suffers from such serious illness as moss allergy.
He did not serve in the Army as it is bad for health.
He has almost died in Himalayas from the mountain illness once.
He puts the breading away from nuggets and soaks the meat to put away extra fat.
When he meets friends he pinches their abs and palps them.
When diagnosed with cancer, does not believe in it long.


Post-graduate student

We have long thought about this type of character until it contacted us to say that we ignore him.
He has square thick glasses with Scotch attached ears.
He believes that it is easier to meet the girls if you are a scientist.
His eyes are as red as the rabbits’ eyes. He does not sleep in bed, but at the computer.
He was married at the second year of his studies. He hoped to have sex. How mistaken he was!
He has melted snickers in the pocket, wrapped in the Army notice.
He lives with his wife either at the parents’ place or in the dormitory. Or at the parents’ dormitory.
He is afraid of his science curator though drinks with him every week in the country house.
He has the enormous communicator in his hand which he bought 5 years ago. He has not yet paid it out.
He is writing the dissertation on the subject he does not remember. It goes on like this for the 7 years already.  He has a feeling that it is written somewhere on its own.
There is no any hair style, he is cut twice a year by his wife.
He asks for something all the time: cigarettes, money, gas water, pies. He is always hungry and is ready to bite off somebody’s sandwich.
He has thick uneven hair. He thinks they make him older.
He secretly hates students.
He has cheap earphones in the ears with Russian rock shouting in them.  The music is better heard outside.
Sun-bleached T-shirt with out-of-color logo “Rolling Stones”. Sometimes he puts on his dirty grey coat above it.
Sometimes he comes to the exam, draws out the exam card and starts to cheat and only them he understands that he is the teacher.
The high-rise jeans without a belt.
He plays the Club of Cheerful and Smart. He sleeps at the rehearsals. Sometimes he does it at the performances as well.
He invented the continuously operated machine while he wrote the dissertation. His scientific curator scolded at him, made him change everything and received the Nobel Prize.



He does not look happy for some reason.
Looking at the guests, he thinks: do all know that the bride is pregnant? He smiles guiltily to Katya, his first school love.
Though the costume was adjusted, it is still big and hangs on him. He limps as both shoes are tight.
He does not understand anything. He only reacts when he hears:”Gorko!” and is ready to kiss any object 20 cm close.
He is sure that he is not getting drunk until there goes the seventh toast.
He could hardly recognize the bride in the wedding gown and with different hair style. Looking with horror at the mother-in-law dancing break-dance, realizes that he has made a terrible mistake.
He is ready to jump out of the window if master of ceremonies asks for it.
He has a hairspray on. The rice is stuck in his hair. The skin is itchy but he tolerates it.
He has a lipstick on his face, the mark from the bride’s kiss. He will learn in the morning about it.
He has envelopes with money in the interior pocket. They were given secretly by guests. He suspects that some of them are empty. He plans to run away to the bathroom to count quickly money.
He nervously plays with the ring. When nobody sees it he tries to put it off and on.
He tries to put his hands into the sewn pockets of the coat. The jacket is not new and the pockets are still sewn not to spoil the look.
He has a bunch of flowers and the bride’s  purse in his hands, because she is pregnant, tired and she needs hands for  hugging  him and relatives.
He has stains on the trousers. The first one appeared when he opened the champagne and then it did not matter.
He dreams to wake up.



He has dark spectacles on the forehead as it is hard to see anything in the club through them.
He has the widened apples of eye (these are not glasses, but pupils)
He has the beard like the one Brad Pitt used to wear though he dislikes him.
He needs the bottle of water for the whole evening as he does not have money for alcohol. He knows the girls who ask for drinks, but he behaves as if he doesn’t know them.
He has colorful paper bracelets and other passes to be allowed to VIP areas. A big metal plate on the pants is so heavy that pants go down occasionally.
He wears the torn jeans with prints RICH all over.
One trouser leg is tucked by chance into the sock and the hem of the shirt is out. He was just looking for pills.
He wears the pointed shoes. He gets pleasure similar to orgasm when he can put them off. He gets small salary at some unclear work – manager in the department of development of something unclear.
He has a high hair cut and is very proud of it. He can shave the hair completely if his favorite DJ does it.
He wears the coat, the shirt with wide collar is unbuttoned to the nipple.
The watch was borrowed from his rich friend. In fact it is counterfeit too.
He carries an iPhone in the hand for everybody to see it. He constantly calls the dealer, explaining what should be brought and where. He gets presents as signs of gratitude from his rich friends.
He never dated the same girl more than 3 times. He thinks it is cool.
He poses in front of the photographers to get into photo report about the party.
He is a bit deaf as got used to loud music always. But instead of it he sees clearly in the darkness.
He is acquainted with many girls. He does not remember with whom he slept and with whom he was going to.



He has a hat on all seasons of the year. The warmest one is put on in summer in the warm house.
He wears sport yellow tinted glasses.
The weird hairs on the face are shaven in the most extraordinary places, he has piercing.
He always has camera.
He tried to teach his girl-friend to snowboard but she failed.
He likes to sleep with his clothes on and uses tourist outfit in the hotel room.
His pants are always lowered, that is why he falls down on the even surface.
He says that he has a double break of the back bone and has a titan shift in it.
He says that once he saved the dog and made mouth-to-mouth respiration.
He was not in the army. This is extreme for dumb- he thinks so.
The iPod and earphones are necessary for the outfit. Even at the concert of the favorite group.
He is always calm because energy drink is suppressed by marijuana.
He wears a big rucksack with the snowboard and helmet even if he goes to the funeral.
He listens to hip-hop and heavy metal. Sometimes he does it simultaneously.
His watch show all possible measures such as height and pressure, but it is hard to understand what time it is.
The graffiti balloon is in the hand. Sometimes he takes it for a drink.
The longest thing he read is the instruction for use of his sport shoes.
He eats fast food and chocolate batons.
He does not earn himself and lives with his parents so they do not worry about him and his love for extreme sports.


City neurotic

He gnaws nails and picks his nose.
Police stops him in the street as they think that he is a drug-addict.
When he goes by motor-bike, he does not know what to do with helmet and holds it in the hands.
He has wet napkins and all kinds of medicine.
He writes in his own blogs, where he pours out his neurosis.
He has a smartphone to post in the blog from.
He is afraid of loneliness, but does not bear anybody beside.
He reads Palanik, Woody Allen’s plays and understands the characters better than others.
He fights with stress with the help of alcohol, coffee, swimming-pool, yoga, Viagra and marijuana. Sometimes he burns the mouth as he takes the cigarette into the mouth with the wrong end.
He is going to marry, to write a book and to go around the world when he recovers.
He is afraid of open space, metro and sometimes people. He does not step on cracks on the road.
He understands Scandinavian mythology and Japanese culture.
He dreams to be common like those who are fond of sun, beer, and food.
He does not like bright clothes. He wears the natural material and weird drawing on it.



He has bad hair-cut, dirty hair, bad skin. He is  slim and stooped.
He is always cold because the conditioners work everywhere and he has only T-shirt on.
When he is asked why one TV is much more expensive than another, he answers that it is better.
He eats cheap fast food and when he has holidays he eats in MacDonald’s.
There is one answer to all questions: Wait a little. I will try to find it out.
He likes beer much.
He suspects that his friends deal with him because they can have discounts in the shop this way.
He is always glad that he finds out a lot when he sells things
He is rather severe if the client is much younger.
He was expelled from the institute from the 2nd year and he was not taken to the Army as he is too sick for that.
He looks  for  distance control or key to the showcase for an hour.
The pants he wears is not his size, the bright T-shirt with printed badge. One letter is corrected in it.
He is afraid of the clients and tries to avoid them.
There is a case to mobile phone on the waist. He has the cheapest mobile possible (he does not have money for a good one).
He doesn’t have private life. “Lost” episodes go instead of it.
He wears sandals on socks.
Sometimes he sees in the dream how one customer came to return the player sold by him.  The player happened to be broken.


Co-lander on vacation

The cap with USA print or “I love NY”
He came to rest with the family but all the same continues to flirt with the Ukrainian animators.
He likes neither hotel, nor Turks, nor food, but feels happy as it seems to him that drinks he has all day long are free.
He likes to say loudly “Hitler kaput!” (Hitler is destroyed) near the German tourists and to grin.
His swimming trunks are like the ones striptease performer has, but he is sure that the outfit suits his big belly.
He wears black socks and shoes because his slippers were drowned in the sea, as he was drunk the day before. He limps because he has a key to the room in the shoe.
He suffers as he could not buy sunflower seeds, corn, and cakes.  He taught the waiters to react to his “Hey!”, “Hello” and learned such words as “ok” and “2 beers”
He thinks that he is a patriot, when he throws the towels of the Germans to the swimming pool from the lounger, then occupies them and keeps until dawn.  He takes part in all competitions on the beach, that is why he gets traumas.
He wears the tank top with the sign sex instructor. The gold chain on the neck starts to rust from the sea water for some reason.
He looks at the topless German women all days long but forbids his wife to sunbathe this way.
He uses sun oil much, though he started doing it after  sunburn he got on the first day.
The bag he carries contains a cell, cards, cigarettes, a video camera, flippers, a penknife which serves as a tin opener.
He is afraid that when he has sex with his wife, she  thinks about animator Ahmed.
He hates Russian tourists, especially just like him.



Bold, unshaven, he has been over 50 for 20 years already.
He has horrible teeth, some are iron. He coughs after each whiff, but does not stop smoking.
It is not clear where he takes money from. Though his hands are covered with callosities, he never goes to work and is always at home.
He goes with the garbage can the whole day long and does not empty it. He can even visit somebody with it.
The potato is fried in his flat all day long, the TV is watched and he is quarreling with his wife.
He has a relative in the police. He has links and promises to help others. But he fails to do it each time.
He wears tank top, stretched on the knees pants, slippers. The toe is seen from the hole of the slipper.
His car is in the yard. It never worked, but he tries to sell it from time to time.
He has tattoo on the arm and hairs out of the ears.
He regularly borrows from you and always gives money back, so it is impossible to get rid of him.
Every autumn he brings 15 kg. of rotten apples from his garden and it is impossible to refuse him during the whole year to come.
He knows everything about everybody. He does not let throw out the fridge and old sofa as he is going to take it to the country-house, but never does it.
He hates the government but goes to vote for it.


Eastern cabman

The glass of his auto does not go down.
He mainly sleeps in the car.
He can distinguish the halt sign at the distance of half a mile.
He is not stopped by the police as he does not have money, but he has much of eastern patience. When he is invited to have a talk in the police-car, he just falls asleep there as it seems so comfortable to him.
It seems to him that he lives in a nightmare, which is going to end soon. He will wake up with much money.
He is not shaven and has mustache he is proud of.

Photo credits – 1

44 thoughts on “A Funny Overview of Russian Men”

  1. The Intellectual does not smoke “Zhitan” (which sounds like something made out of rye), but French filterless “Gitanes”.
    These tabs became unavailable recently where I live, together with Gauloises Caporal. God knows why, they probably did not sell well.

  2. Did you guys use Google translator or something? It’s funnier and much more meaningful in Russian. And you coulda done a much much better job. >:(

  3. mwuhahaha… In Romania you cand find also these categories of people… I think old communism succeded to make most of people equal…

  4. you should really have someone spell check your translations for you…as well as the grammer….it still made for a great read though!

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  7. Hello,great article. Infos are pretty useful and saves me huge amount of time which I spend on something else instead of searching 🙂 Im waiting for more, bye 🙂


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