18 My Name Is Joseph Stalin

My Name Is Joseph Stalin

Posted on November 21, 2011 by


This is my house. It’s small, yes, but I didn’t need a bigger one because I was just as small. I kept a goat in the annex and her name was Jeanne. In honor of Jeanne d’Arc. My father Beso worked in Tbilisi and he didn’t like Jeanna. So, when I was at school, he got drunk and choked her to death.

Yes, this is not Stalin’s real photo album. This is the work of a writer Nodar Djin who has tried to imagine the way Stalin’s photo album looked like if he had one.

It’s me at school. I’m in the back raw, but in the middle. The photographer didn’t let me get closer to the pillow, even though I was his best pupil. Probably, he was bribed. By those who are next to the pillow, not by their parents. My parent, seeing the picture, told me to grow faster. But he liked it in general because one cannot see smallpox scars on my face in it.

This is my mom, Keke. She named me Joseph in honor of Jesus’s father, the one who lived on the ground. If she named me in honor of the one from the sky, I would have been the Almighty. She’d decided how to name me before I was born. If I were a girl, I would be Maro, like Jesus’s mother. I’m so happy that I am a boy. But Keke didn’t remember the day when I was born. She thought it was one week after Christmas or something. But that’s not true. Everybody knows now when I was born. One week after Christmas I was christened.

I was 20 when I got my first job in the observatory in Tbilisi. I made good money. The scarf is expensive. One of the policemen who’d been conducting a search, called me intellectual. He said, ‘Ok, Fool’, and so wrote it down. By that time I already didn’t like intellectuals because all of them were gay. I knew one who at the same time was both an intellectual and a Don Juan. He slept with men but wooed women as well. They say that Don Juan was gay too.

As the time went by, I’ve got a beard. But I still had the same scarf. I refused to become intellectual but I still remained homeless.

I’m 37 and I’ve received my second job. I am a Minister. In the book I told everything. I used to keep a diary but I lost it. It must have been stolen. But in the diary I wrote about abstract things only, like the difference between optimism and hope. Optimism is a trait of your soul. Hope is something which even a pessimist can have. At that time I was just like this, a pessimist with a hope. The hope to get everything.

1922. I’m Secretary General.

That’s just what I hoped for: there had been no such title before. Lenin made it up for me to unite his patry. Who needs a party when it’s not united? Then it’s just a group of people. So I united it. Besides, I put a halo of mystery around it, just like the teacher did. Not the leader, he couldn’t do it, but Jesus. I knew though that the leader was hopeless. I don’t mean just health, I mean morality. He suggested that I married his sister and wanted to get rid of me at the same time. It dawned on me then that when he died, I would have to made up a post for him too. I’d make a God of him. It would be good for both him and the Party.

I’m 40 and I look good. It’s not my hat, it’s Voroshilov’s. Funny. It seemes like something is growing out of your head. We were friends with Kliment. Sort of.

This is me again, Kliment and our wives. Who is this guy? For sure it’s not Bukharin becuase if it were him, he would have sit close to my wife Nadya. Another thing that I’m sure about is that Missis Voroshilova is Jewish. Kliment is lying like this not because he despises her, but because he has hemorrhoids.

Who is Kolya Bukharin with? This is Masha Ulyanova, Lenin’s sister. Why? Because I rejected her. What a bristol compliment!

Kirov and me were like brothers. I suffered after his death more that he did. In general, it’s easier to be dead than alive. As for Mikoyan, why is he wearing this hat? Does he wants to look like non-Armenian? What’s wrong about being an Armenian. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, just like there’s nothing to be proud of. Some are just born Armenians, that’s it.

I can’t help noticing that Mikoyan is a very smart boy. He’s young but he understands that each Armenian is responsible not only for the expression of his face but also for the hat he wears.

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18 Responses to “My Name Is Joseph Stalin”

  1. Kalinovsky says:

    A lot of lives might have been saved if he chose to be a model instead of a politician :D

  2. 山下智久 says:

    斯大林是中国人民的朋友!
    他援助过我们,中俄友谊万岁!

  3. Bogdanov says:

    Nadya was driven to suicide by Stalin’s sociopathy. He had Bukharin killed because he hated intellectuals. His son Yakov committed suicide in a POW camp. The Germans were willing to trade Yakov for F.M. Paulus but Stalin refused. His son Vasily died of alcoholism. Svetlana uses her Mother’s last name and lives in obscurity in the U.S.

  4. Maesrobert says:

    Juvenile – trying to be funny but not succeeding. Some prejudices on display too.

  5. Daniel says:

    This man was a monster, BUT the Soviet Union would not have survived in WWII without his leadership. Strange, isn’t it, that a man so terrible could be such a great leader. It needed a tough guy to run that country and J.S. was all that!

  6. Archy Bunka says:

    Stalin, was a monster. Look in the dictionary under monster and you will see him there. The myth that he projected, the lie, still lives. Thanks to Stalin, any credibility socialism did have suffered such a blow that it will never recover. The more I study Hitler and Stalin, the more evil they become.
    Let’s take a look at the head count:
    Hitler: 10 million in Germany. Stalin: 20 million dead in USSR. Stalin believed anyone could be replaced. Stalin believed a communist with good intentions was the most dangerous communist.

  7. Livan says:

    It is said: two men from Georgia conquered Russia…I wish it had been two different men.

  8. hau says:

    his mother should have swallowed the load

  9. yagur says:

    It’s not right – Instead of Truman – Roosevelt…Just technical mistake – on the picture is Truman…Roosevelt died 3 months before Potsdam…

  10. Grzgrz says:

    Stockholm syndrome? Russians’ fascination with mother**ckers who exterminated millions of the very same Russians is breathtaking. Same goes for Chineese.

  11. saurabh says:

    Great pictures. The one with Truman and Churchill was the best.

  12. OLUT says:

    I had fun reading his comments in my head, but with a “like OMG!111″ valley-girl voice.

  13. Greg says:

    fact 1 = non-Russian slaughtered the ethnic Russians to create the USSR
    fact 2 = bad decision-making became an epidemic under the USSR
    fact 3 = despite sitting on unlimited natural resources the bulk of every day Russians are facing social problems like addiction/unemployment and crime.
    fact 4 = Western style cash-o-cracy is not the answer. strong pro-family, altruism & leadership is needed to conquer domestic problems once and for all.
    fact 5 = Beria was a serial rapist

  14. Lordovlyte says:

    seems this is far less interesting than it was a year ago. I can’t imagine why? I thought it was very humorous and clever. (fact 1 – several of your facts, are in fact, not facts but opinion. fact 2 – this was an art project, not something to educate.) You people need to lighten up.

  15. blaxkbastar says:

    I expected to see Him again. He is a very usual being he can make you laugh and cry at the sometime, Favorite pic 20 leine and hair cut.

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